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Beards That Need to Go, According to Gizmodo

by Photo of Ross Bernhardt

Gizmodo says that scientifically, women hate beards. If that’s the case, these guys need to shave.

Beards That Need to Go, According to Gizmodo

Earlier today, a Gizmodo post claimed that there is scientific proof that women hate beards.  Here's a little snippet from the piece:

The research, conducted by Barnaby Dixson and Paul Vasey from New Zealand and Canada respectively, tried to get to the bottom of human perception of bearded men. The researchers took photographs of 19 men with full beards and then asked the unthinkable—for them to shave. Then, they took more photos so they could compare the reaction of 200 different women to the same individual with and without a hairy face.

The results were conclusive. Women—both Europeans and Polynesians—said that the men looked significantly more attractive when clean-shaven. They also reported that bearded men looked older and of higher social status. When men were asked to look at the same photographs, they reported that bearded men looked more aggressive.

After reading that, my first thought was "Go home and shave off all this stubble that you've accumulated.  You knew that was a bad idea."  My next thought was "Man, there are a lot of athletes that have absolutely hideous facial hair.  Which athletes need a serious makeover if they are ever going to appear acceptable to the opposite sex?

James Harden, Oklahoma City Thunder

Harden is pictured above, and has one of the most epic beards in the NBA.  He quickly supplanted Baron Davis as best beard in the league with his giant piece of facial hair, and it just seems to grow more massive each game.  Soon, his beard will be able to fend off defenders on its own and give Harden space to launch uncontested threes.  While his beard may one day have practical use on the court, it certainly might not be the best look.

Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants

Not only is Wilson's beard awesome, it is intimidating as hell.  Imagine stepping into the batter's box with that face glaring back at you, set to throw a ball in your general direction at close to 100 miles per hour.  The fact that Wilson dyed his beard black just because he thought it would be fun to have a really dark beard also scares me.  Wilson is incredibly eccentric, and that beard is the one that stands out most prominently.  Unfortunately, it might also be female-repellent.

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins (and most hockey players)

Playoff beards in hockey are one of my favorite traditions in all of sports.  It's cool to see players grow beards in solidarity and watch them get mangier as the playoffs unfold.  But it isn't cool when you try to grow a beard and don't succeed.  Sidney Crosby, as great as he is on the ice, isn't very great at growing that signature postseason look.  That might be more beneficial for him in the long run, but whatever little scruff you can actually grow should be shaved immediately, Sid the Kid.

Brett Keisel, Pittsburgh Steelers

Perhaps the most epic of all the beards here, Keisel looks like a Viking who has traveled through time and stumbled onto the football field.  Or perhaps a very young Santa Claus that is trying to slam you into the ground ever play.  Either way, Keisel boasts some impressive facial hair, but it's also terrifying.  Something tells me the ladies won't be lining up for that beard.

Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia Mountaineers

Kilicli is an intimidating presence to begin with.  He came over from Turkey measuring 6'9" and weighing in at over 250 pounds, pretty much all of it muscle.  Then he grew that beard.  Kilicli went from intimidating to terrifying, and his play can be terrifying as well.  You know who else might be terrified by that beard?  Women.  I've seen him without the beard, and he actually looks quite strapping.  

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Comments (1)
  1. Jasmine Powers's profile

    Jasmine Powers

    March 17th, 2012 @20:17

    Now if they'd only ask the responses of black women we'd likely get a better idea of what the real feelings about beards are. Those beards pictured are just nasty.

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